Only to get close to you
by HamanoAsuka
Summary: [Shounen ai:yaoi] Years have passed since the troubles with Aizen and one very special day is at the corner. It's Ichigo's and Rukia's weddingday. But on the night before something happens that changes everything.
1. I want your eyes on me

**Disclaimer: **I **don't **own bleach, but I certainly would love to.

**Note: **This is my third bleach fanfiction. And also the third that includes the same leading characters. I just love these two boys.

Chapter One - I want your eyes on me

* * *

The lights were low and the music was pumping out loudly out of the speakers. Renji downed another beer. Then he looked at Ichigo who was laughing and shouting like a maniac.

"Man, Renji. This is awesome! Probably the best bachelor party ever! Too bad everyone else already left. But then again I never saw Ishida like one to enjoy these things. And Chad is just way to quiet for these types of things."

Ichigo stood up and shouted out loud.

"You're crazy man! Sit down. You're dragging attention."

"Come on, man. It's my last day as a free man. I've got to live a little."

"Can't you live a little more silent?"

Ichigo shouted out loud again, to answer Renji's question.

"Damn, you're really wasted, aren't you?"

"I never felt so alive in my entire life!"

"Will you quiet down!"

Ichigo laughed and pulled Renji up from the barstool.

"Let's dance."

"Have you lost your mind? There's no way I'm dancing. Especially not with you!"

Renji pulled his arm back. Ichigo started laughing even louder.

"What? Are you shy?"

"No! I just don't dance with another man."

"We can probably find you some girl to dance with."

Ichigo took hold of Renji's arm again and dragged him to the dance floor. But instead of looking for a dance partner for Renji, he pulled Renji real close and started moving with the music. At first Renji tried to push of Ichigo, but when Ichigo wouldn't let go of him, he decided to go along with it. After all it was Ichigo's last night as single.

Renji didn't know whether it was the alcohol talking or what, but it didn't feel so bad dancing with Ichigo. In fact Ichigo was quite a good dancer, considering the fact that he was totally wasted. As the music heated up, their bodies were drawn closer to each other. Renji started breathing heavily and he told himself that it was because of the dancing. At some point Ichigo had put his hand on Renji's chest, instead of preventing him from escaping by holding on to Renji's arm. He moved it around on Renji's chest, caressed it roughly. Renji let a sigh escape his lips and closed his eyes. _"What are we doing?"_ Ichigo moved closer and Renji could feel his breath. It was warm. Beneath the smell of alcohol, was a sweet, yet masculine smell. Renji's eyes were still close, but he could tell that Ichigo's lips were dangerously close.

Then Ichigo suddenly stopped.

"Renji… I'm tired. Let's sit down for a while."

Renji opened his eyes in surprise and looked at Ichigo. Ichigo just smirked and went back to the bar and sat down. Renji followed him.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Ichigo smirked again. Renji just stared at Ichigo. Then he snorted and looked away.

"Well, don't count on it happening ever again."

"Like I'll be able to dance with anyone but Rukia from this moment on."

"Yeah. Can't believe it though. That it was you who finally got her. What the hell does she see in you?"

"Hey!"

Renji smirked. This was fun, injuring Ichigo's pride.

"Maybe she finds me attractive?"

"Don't make me laugh?"

"How can I make you do something you're already doing?"

It was true. Renji was laughing, but tried to cover it up.

"Hey, hey. Don't be sad just because you lost. In the end maybe it's I who've lost. Who knows what kind of wife she will make. I mean, where not even married yet and she already has to have a say in everything I do. I didn't even get to say one thing about the wedding. She planned it all. Seriously! An evening wedding? What's wrong with sunlight?"

They both laughed. Rukia had been especially been determined on the evening wedding.

"It's still strange though. That the two of you are getting married tomorrow. Five years of going back and forth. Well, let's say everyone got quite surprised when you finally popped the question to her. Especially Rukia."

"I'm surprised myself that I did it."

He yawned widely.

"Man, I'm really tired."

He stood up, but had to support himself against the bar disk. He smiled.

"Whoa. I don't think I can walk that good. Can you help me to my room? It's on the second floor. But you already knew that, right? Your room is there too."

Renji sighed.

"You're really something."

Ichigo smiled and put his arm around Renji's shoulders. Renji supported him by putting his arm around Ichigo's waist.

"Thanks man."

Together they swayed their way to the room, laughing over all the things they almost knocked down and even more over the things they did knock down.

"Well, here we are. Can you handle yourself now?"

"Yeah. I think so."

Ichigo started searching for the key and when he finally found it, he dropped it on the floor. He picked it up and tried to open the door, but he had quite the trouble getting the key into the lock. Renji snatched the key out of his hand and opened the door for him.

"I think that you won't be able to make it longer then inside the door, before you fall to the ground. And then you'll probably catch a cold and won't be able to go through with the ceremony tomorrow. And then Rukia will kill me."

"Why would she kill you?"

"Because I didn't help you. I'm your best man, so she kind of sees it as my problem to look after you tonight."

"Great! You're my babysitter."

"I ain't babysitting anyone. I'll just help you to the bed. I'm not staying to watch you sleep or anything. If you can't even handle that yourself, then I feel really sorry for Rukia, who will have to put up with you from now on."

Ichigo smirked and once again he put his arms around Renji's shoulders. Renji sighed and helped Ichigo to the bed. When just one step from the bed Ichigo tripped on his own feet and tried to stay on his feet by holding onto Renji's clothes. This resulted in both of them crashing down on the bed. Ichigo started laughing.

"Yeah, yeah. Really funny."

Ichigo stopped laughing and leaned in real close to Renji. Before Renji could react, Ichigo had put his lips against Renji's. Renji pushed him of.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I thought that was obvious," Ichigo said and smirked.

"Have you gone mad? You're marrying Rukia tomorrow! My best friend!"

"Well don't best friends share everything? I'll let you share me."

Ichigo pushed Renji down and started kissing him on the neck.

"Get off me!"

Renji threw his fists into Ichigo's stomach. Ichigo grabbed hold of Renji's arms.

"Now stop struggling like that. Aren't we having a great time here? You seem like you're not enjoying yourself."

"Damn right I'm not! Let me go, you damn hollow!"

Ichigo looked surprised at Renji.

"Do you have multiple personalities? 'Cause the Renji I danced with would have liked this."

"What? You must have hit your head on our way up here! I would never want to sleep with you. Now, get off!"

"Oh, then what was it I felt when we danced? You closed your eyes back then. You breathed heavily. If I hadn't stopped the dance, you would have been the one to kiss me first."

"You're fuckin' crazy! I would never…"

Ichigo covered Renji's lips with his own. Separating Renji's lips with his tongue, Ichigo deepened the kiss. His hands moved lower on Renji's body. Renji squirmed and managed to push of Ichigo a bit.

"Get off, man! I'm not going to let you…"

"Let me do what? Fuck you? You can't expect me to move back when you react this way."

"What way? I'm telling you to back the hell off!"

Ichigo smirked.

"I'm not talking about what you say. Your body speaks another language."

Renji gathered all his strength and pushed Ichigo of. Once Ichigo was out of the way, Renji stood up. But all the alcohol rushed to his head and he swayed back down on the bed again. Ichigo came up behind him and placed a hand on Renji's thigh.

"I see I affected you, no matter what you say."

"Stupid! That was the alcohol."

"Sure," Ichigo said sarcastically.

Ichigo kissed Renji on the neck and moved his hand higher up on Renji's thigh. Renji closed his eyes and from his lips escaped a sound, which was between a sigh and a moan. Ichigo kept moving his hand higher up on Renji's thigh and finally reached the growing tension in Renji's groin. Here his movements got less gentle and it made Renji moan loudly.

"You must have at least two personalities. 'Cause now I recognize the Renji I danced with."

Ichigo pushed Renji down on the bed again and this time when he kissed Renji, the kiss was answered. And Ichigo sure wasn't slow to move on. It didn't take him much time to undress Renji and then himself.

* * *

Renji opened his eyes and groaned. The sunshine coming through the window gave notice that morning had broken. Renji groaned. His head threatened to explode and there was a horrible sting in his eyes, because of the sunlight. But pain wasn't all he felt. Someone had their arms around his waist. _"Damn. I sure got real wasted last night. I wonder what kind of girl I dragged back to my room." _He turned and found that there wasn't any girl, but Ichigo who lay beside him. Shocked he shrugged back and fell of the bed. Now he noticed that it wasn't his room, but Ichigo's and neither one of them had any clothes on them. _"Shit! This isn't happening!"_

Suddenly he felt ill and he ran to the bathroom to throw up. Once he was sure that there wasn't any more on the way, he got back to the room and quickly got dressed. Ichigo was still sleeping and Renji felt somewhat relived over that. _"Maybe nothing really happened?" _But the pain in his body told him otherwise. With one last look on Ichigo, he escaped the room, with the prayer that no one would see him walk out of Ichigo's room this early in the morning. His prayer was answered. The hall was empty and he hurried to his own room. But as he was unlocking the door he heard footstep behind him.

"Renji! Are you already awake? I thought you would still be sleeping."

"_Fuck!"_

Renji turned and faced Rukia with a nervous smile.

"Well I… I… you see…"

She looked at him confused.

"It kind of… you see…"

"You and Ichigo just got back from partying, right? You spent the whole night partying."

Renji swallowed. _"What the fuck should I say?"_ He was torn between telling the truth, or go along with the lie. One would lead to happiness and the other to misery. Even though it seemed so easy, it wasn't. He wasn't fond of lying to Rukia.

"Yeah. We kind of lost track of time."

"I knew this would happen, since you were the one to plan his bachelor party. Why'd you think I insisted on an evening ceremony? I know you all too well, Renji. For your sake I hope he won't be to hangover at the ceremony."

She glared at him, as if to imply that she was capable of killing him, if she so wanted to. Then she smiled and walked away. As soon as she was out of sight, Renji quickly locked up the door and hurried inside. Once inside the room he leaned against the door and sighed.

"_Safe."_

Now his head reminded him of the hangover. Renji searched his bags for some aspirins. When he found them he swallowed two, without any water. He just didn't have the energy to get the water. After that he crashed down on his bed and was mighty grateful that Rukia had insisted on an evening wedding. That meant he could get some more sleep before the ceremony. He had barely put his head on the pillow, before he fell asleep.

* * *

End of chapter one

This is the wonderful preview my friend wrote after reading the first draft of chapter one. It's quite a good one. Made me laugh for quite some time. It makes it sound almost like some kind of soap opera. Of course this was before I had decided what to name the fiction to. Therefore the name 'Disaster waiting to happen'. So I can guess that this is the preview for next chapter:

_"Oooh… How will they get out of this mess? Will Ichigo remember what has happened? Will he still want to marry Rukia? Stay tuned for the next episode of 'Disaster waiting to happen'"_


	2. Complicated lie

**Disclaimer: **I **don't **own bleach, but I certainly would love to.

Chapter two - Lies

* * *

The ceremony had been beautiful so far. But then again, not much had happened yet. Some music had been played. And that was about it.

Inuoe stood on the left side of the altar, in her pink dress, acting out her part as Rukia's bride's maid. Renji stood beside Ichigo on the other side of the altar and all of them, including the guests, were waiting for Rukia. But Renji had trouble in concentrating on the ceremony. Every single minute since he had woken up for the second time this day he had pondered on whether to tell Rukia everything, or just keep his mouth shut forever. On one hand there was the bliss of not knowing. Her happiness weaved of strings of lies. On the other hand, he could tell her everything. Tell her the truth. And see her happiness fade and their friendship go lost.

The doors opened and in the doorway stood Rukia in her wedding dress. It was simple, but she made it more beautiful than the sun rising in the morning. Her brother brought her down the aisle. The scene was almost as picked from a fairytale. When they gotten all the way to the altar, Rukia's brother kissed her on the cheeks and with very few words he put her hand into Ichigo's. His faced seemed as cold and expressionless as always, but Renji had learned to interpret his captains' eyes. And they showed more than enough. He wasn't really fond of this wedding, but he went along with it, since it meant much to Rukia.

Ichigo smiled weakly toward Rukia and Renji interpret it as nervousness. Renji sighed silently and hoped that it would calm his own racing heart down. This wedding was proceeding just fine. There was no need to worry. The only thing that could stop the wedding was Renji, and Renji wasn't about to do that.

When they had gotten ready for the ceremony earlier, Ichigo had acted like nothing had happened last night. Renji had sighed in relief over the fact that Ichigo had no memory of the night. On his own account, the memories slowly came back, and the fog which had clouded them seemed to vanish. He wasn't really sure whether it was better to remember or not.

"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to…"

Renji couldn't help but to wonder what last night meant to him or to Ichigo. Was it just a drunken stupid mistake, a spur of the moment? Or was there something deeper, something that tried to tell them to stop this wedding? But Renji only had to take one look on Rukia to know that he could never do that to her. She loved Ichigo and now she had finally gotten him this far. And if Ichigo had no memory of the night, what was the point in ruining it all? This one-night-stand was nothing more than just that. _"She will never know."_

"If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

"_I will never tell. I can never tell."_

No one spoke and Renji felt relived, but another feeling made itself noticed. For some reason he felt rejected and left alone. Suddenly there was a whole wave of different feelings and he was unable to sort them all out. There was a wish of being back in that room, alone with Ichigo. There was the feeling of hate, and then love. Friendship. Somewhere in the back of his mind was the image of him slowly strangling Ichigo, for doing this to Rukia. For doing this to him. For making him lie to his best friend. Then there were the memories of the night. His lips against Ichigo's. Ichigo's lips against his skin, burning invisible imprints on his body. The feeling of Ichigo's hands caressing him, touching every part of him. _"If Rukia ever found out… it would break her, completely."_

Renji tried to focus on the wedding, but his mind drifted away again. _"What if last night was Ichigo's inner wish? What if he…? No! Last night was a mistake." _Renji shook his head discreetly, in an attempt to shake of all the images. But it was an unsuccessful attempt. More memories made themselves remembered. The dance they had shared at the bar last night. The music and the feeling of Ichigo close to him, to his body. And he had only gotten closer after that. And it was like it all had happened in the blink of an eye. Suddenly they had been upstairs, in Ichigo's hotel room. Then they had kissed, and fought and kissed again. Renji had tried to escape, but then surrendered. Renji remembered how fast his clothes had been removed after he had surrendered to Ichigo. And how good it had felt to feel Ichigo's hands on his body. _"What the hell am I thinking? It's not… I…" _In his mind Renji cursed, but even that didn't wash away the thought of Ichigo. The thought of Ichigo's eyes looking at him, taking in every part of Renji into his mind.

"Do you, Kuchiki Rukia, take, Kurosaki Ichigo, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

Renji captured himself holding his breath. He exhaled slowly. _"What's wrong with me? Everything will be fine." _But a strange feeling was growing in his stomach. A feeling that something was wrong. He looked at Rukia and she was smiling. _"Nothing is wrong. I'm just imagining things. My mind is playing games."_

"And do you, Kurosaki Ichigo, take, Kuchiki Rukia, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I… I cannot do this."

Renji felt how his heart skipped a beat. As one the whole congregation gasped for air and the silence that followed was deafening. But it lasted only for about half a minute and then began countless of whispers all around the church. Rukia looked at Ichigo with fear in her eyes.

"Wh…at?"

"I'm sorry, Rukia, but… you deserve someone better than me."

"Better? But I… I want you…"

Her voice was not more than a whisper and tears were building up in her eyes.

"No, you don't. Trust me. If I told you… just trust me. I don't deserve you."

"Don't deserve me…"

She turned to her brother, with anger in her eyes.

"What did you say to him?"

The usually expressionless face of Kuchiki Byakuya was now twisted in surprise of the sudden attack from his sister.

"Wha…?"

Ichigo grabbed Rukia's arm and spun her around.

"He hasn't said anything that could scare me of. He is not the culprit here. I'm speaking for myself. There are other reasons. Your brother is not one of them."

"What reasons?"

"I rather not talk about them here."

Despite of the tears falling, Rukia's eyes glowed with anger.

"Tell me. Now!"

"Rukia please. Can we take this somewhere else? Somewhere where there's just you and me."

"No! I want you to tell me and everyone who have come here, why can't go through with this. They at least deserve to know why, since they are all here because of you."

"Rukia…"

"No! Tell me now! It was you who proposed to me! And now you're backing out!"

Anger had really bested Rukia. She was screaming and her whole body was shaking. Though Renji wasn't sure that was out of anger. It could be the fact that she was crying too.

"Now, Ichigo! Today! Right here!"

"Rukia please…"

"I've already told you. NO! I want to hear it here and I want to hear it NOW! Can't you even be man enough to spell it out in front of all these people? They'll find out sooner or later anyway. Just spell it out!"

Ichigo went completely silent. Renji could tell that he was cornered. He also knew what this was about, and he really didn't want to discuss it right here either.

"Rukia maybe you should listen to…"

"Shut up, Renji! Unless you know what this is about, just shut up!"

Renji shrugged back. In the corner of his eyes he saw Ichigo take a deep breath.

"Alright Rukia. You really want to know why I can't marry you? No, why I don't deserve marrying you?"

Rukia fixed her eyes on Ichigo, as did everyone else. Again the silence was deafening. Renji's heart stopped. _"No!"_

"It's because last night I cheated on you! I slept with Renji and I realized that my feeling for you, were nothing but cover-up feelings for the ones I really have for him. Are you happy now? Or should I continue? Should I make this scene even more embarrassing for everyone involved? Should I speak of what happened in details? Do you want to hear that too?"

Slowly people started whispering again. Rukia looked at Ichigo and then at Renji.

"Is… is it… true? Renji, is it…"

"_Fuck! She wasn't supposed to ever find out."_

"I… I…"

"IS IT TRUE?"

Now the stream of tears on Rukia's cheeks seemed endless.

"What do you think, Rukia?"

Rukia turned to Ichigo, who just had spoken.

"Do you think that I would make up something like this, standing here, in front of everyone I know? All my friends, my family. Here? In the church?"

Rukia looked at Ichigo with her sad eyes and in her face showed a glint of disgust. Then she turned to Renji again.

"How could you? HOW COULD YOU?"

Renji stepped toward her and reached out his hand. She pushed it away and backed away.

"I-I'm sorry, Rukia. I-I never meant for it to happen. I-I don't know what… I…"

Renji wasn't able to come up with what to say and went silent.

"You're sorry? You're SORRY! I hate you! I hate you both! I trusted you! I thought you were my best friend, Renji! I TRUSTED YOU!"

"Rukia I'm so…"

"GO TO HELL! BOTH OF YOU! THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE WHERE YOU BELONG!"

With those words she escaped the room, with the tears still flowing down her cheeks. Renji followed her with his eyes and was just about to run after her, when Ichigo caught his arm.

"Renji…"

Renji pushed of Ichigo.

"Dammit Ichigo! You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?"

He felt how the anger strengthened him, so it was easy to give in to it.

"No one would have ever known! But you had to tell!"

"I would have known. You would have known. I can't marry her if I love you, stupid. I can't be that dishonest. And after last night, when I realized that you felt the same way, I…"

"What? Felt the same way? I don't! I absolutely don't!"

Ichigo shrugged back, surprised by Renji's answer.

"What? Then why did you…?"

"Why? I was fuckin' drunk and you forced yourself upon me!"

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did! Last night was a mistake, and if I could I would make it so that it never happened."

"A mistake?"

Ichigo's eyes widened in fear and for some reason Renji felt awful. He wanted to stop, but it was like someone else was controlling his body.

"Congratulations Ichigo! You managed to ruin two lives in the period of 24 hours. Are you satisfied? Have you had enough fun?"

Renji turned and quickly walked away. He could feel the eyes of everyone following him, as he rushed down the aisle to follow Rukia. He had to find her. Had to talk with her.

"Renji! I love you! Please don't'… please say that you…"

Renji stopped in the doorway. For some reason his heart felt broken and tears were threatening to come out. For a moment he just stood there, reflecting over whether he had the strength to turn around and look at Ichigo. He came up with the conclusion that he didn't have the strength to do that.

"I don't love you Ichigo," he answered with his back still toward Ichigo.

Then he ran away with tears running down and the feeling that someone had torn out his heart. By the altar Ichigo fell to his knees, buried his face in his hands and cried. He didn't care that everyone was watching. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered.

* * *

End of chapter two


	3. Please forgive, please love

**Disclaimer: **Own? Me? You gotta be kidding me!

**Note: **Ah, chapter three. Finally up. Took last night and wrote it down. Couldn't sleep anyway. Now there's just one chapter left. Gasps for air Yes only one chapter left on this story. Maybe I decide to write an epilogue-like sequel. Like just a goody chapter. But we'll see about that. But Strawberry Taste and Tattoos is still on. And there's at least two, three more chapters to come there. Maybe even more.

Chapter Three – Please forgive, please love

* * *

"Rukia, please open up and let me talk to you."

Ichigo pounded the door a few times.

"Go away, Ichigo!"

Rukia's voice sounded weak, though it was still possible to hear that she was angry and felt betrayed. And she had every right to feel that way. She had been betrayed. By her fiancé and her best friend. If that doesn't make you angry and make you feel betrayed, then what does?

"Please Rukia…"

"I don't have to listen to you!"

"Please just hear me out. Just find it in your heart to forgive Renji."

"Forgive him! Are you mad! He betrayed my trust as a best friend!"

"No Rukia. It was all my fault. He was wasted and I took advantage of him."

"Why should I believe you? You betrayed me too! You don't propose to someone and then go and sleep with someone else!"

Ichigo closed his eyes.

"Guess I deserved that."

He leaned his forehead against the door.

"Rukia, please. It was never his fault."

"It's as much his fault as it is yours! He could have said 'no'! He could have walked away! He could have…"

Rukia's voice broke off and Ichigo could hear that she tried to push back her sobbing.

"Please Rukia. Open the door and let us have a civil conversation."

"No! This works perfectly fine for me! Why isn't it his fault? Tell me how it can't be his fault! Tell me!"

Ichigo sighed.

"Rukia… He did say 'no'. He did try to walk away. He even hit me a couple of times. He snuck out before I woke up. In the end it's all my fault. I… I was too forward. I didn't give up when he said 'no'. Please Rukia… Just forgive him."

"Why! Why should I!"

"Because… Because I hate to see him this way. I hate to see the two of you fighting. He loves you Rukia. You're his best friend. He always had you. Without you I… there's no telling what he might do."

"So I should forgive him so that you can have peace?"

"No. Do not forgive him because of me. Do it for his sake. I'm really sorry it turned out this way. You may not believe me, but I am."

"You're right! I don't believe you. Go away now! I don't want to see you ever again."

From the other side Ichigo could hear the sadness in her voice, and he knew that she was crying. He had truly ruined her life. _"Why did I ever ask you to marry me? What was I thinking? If I hadn't then… maybe we would all still be friends…" _Ichigo knew that he deserved to feel like he did. Miserable. Alone. He sighed.

"Goodbye Rukia. I really hope that you can forgive Renji."

Ichigo put his hand on the door and whispered a last 'I'm sorry', then he walked away. From his hideout round the corner down the hall, Renji felt tears building up again. _"Why did I ever think that she would talk with me again? How can she ever forgive me? She shouldn't. I can't even forgive myself." _He wanted to talk with her. Wanted to say he was sorry. But he couldn't move from here. _"I don't deserve to talk with you. I'm not your friend anymore. I don't think I'll ever be again. But you will always be mine."_

He stood up and walked away. _"I don't even deserve to live." _As he walked down the hall, he became more and more sure that life would be easier for everyone he knew, if he wasn't in it. Now there was only one way out of this misery. One way to end all this feelings he felt. One way to make them go away.

As he entered his own room tears fell freely and he didn't try to stop them. Better let them come now and maybe they'd be gone forever.

"Renji?"

Renji jumped sky-high in surprise. He quickly wiped away the tears and then he looked up, to find Ichigo looking at him.

"How did you get in here?"

"I… told the maid that I had locked myself out and she opened the door for me."

Ichigo moved closer to Renji.

"You have been crying. Why? Why are you crying Renji?"

Ichigo placed a hand on Renji's cheek and wiped of some of the remaining tears. Renji pushed it away,

"Are you serious? I just lost my best friend!"

"I'm really sorry, Renji. I never wanted it to end this way."

Renji felt how anger bested him, and he really didn't fight it.

"Well, you should have thought of that before you open your fuckin' mouth! Before you slept with me! Before you…"

"I have been thinking! I've been thinking of you for the last five years!"

Ichigo pulled Renji into his arms and held him close.

"I've been thinking of how to tell you. How to tell Rukia. How to…"

"That's not what I meant!"

Renji pushed him of and then stared at him.

"You should have thought about what telling Rukia about last night would end in! About how she would take it! Did you think that she would smile and wish us good luck?"

"Of course I didn't think that! I knew she would be heartbroken, but I had to tell her."

"Why? Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?"

"So I should have spent my whole life with her, pretending to love her? That's not right. To her or me. She deserves better."

"I know! She deserves way better than you! You're a… a…"

Renji was shaking out of anger at this point. But even though he was so angry and really wanted to express how much he hated Ichigo right now, he couldn't come up with anything that was insulting enough.

"There isn't even a word for the likes of you!"

"I had to tell her. It would have been worse if I had told her like after ten years of marriage. It would have been worse if…"

"You had all the time you needed to tell her for FIVE years! You could have told her BEFORE the ceremony! You could have told ME, that you were going to tell her!"

Ichigo looked down on the floor. He couldn't look into Renji's eyes, cause Renji was right. There had been plenty of times when he could have told her. Thousands of opportunities for that. But he had waited. To the very last second.

"I-I'm sorry. Like you I was planning on never telling her. But as I stood there, in front of everyone and was about to swear to love her and all that… I just couldn't lie to her. I just couldn't. And if she had ever found out, she…"

"She wouldn't have found out, unless one of us had told her! And that you handled very elegantly."

The sarcasm in Renji's voice wasn't hard to detect.

"I think you've said everything you had to say. Get out of my room or I'll throw you out."

Ichigo looked up at Renji and there was tears and fear in his eyes. But he wasn't the only one with tears in his eyes.

"Please Renji… I love you…"

"I don't care. I don't love you! Get out!"

Now the tears started falling for Renji. His face was cold and as if cut out of stone, but the tears somehow seemed to soften it up.

"Renji… why are you crying? Why do you deny your feelings?"

Ichigo put his hand on Renji's cheek and wiped away some of the tears. Renji roughly pushed it away.

"I'm not denying anything, cause there's nothing to deny! I don't love you! And in case you don't remember, I just lost my best friend today. And it's your fault!"

"Well I lost everything. My fiancé, my friend and love of my life."

"You only have yourself to blame! Now, get out!"

Ichigo pulled Renji close and kissed him. It was a short, but yet intense kiss. When there lips parted he took one last sad look into Renji's eyes and then walked away. When the door closed behind him, Renji fell to his knees. _"Why? Why couldn't you have told me earlier? Why did you wait?" _He screamed out in anger and pain. The scream had begun long before he opened his mouth and it came from the bottom of his heart, containing all the anger, hate and love he ever felt. It had been there for years now. He had always heard it, every night before he put his head to the pillow. It had been always been screaming, building up for years now. Five years since the voice had started screaming inside. And now, it was put in sound outside his mind.

* * *

When morning came, Renji packed his suitcase. He didn't know why, cause where he was going, he wasn't really going to need anything in that suitcase. He sighed and sat down on the bed. _"What the hell am I thinking about? I can't do this! I can't…" _He wasn't able to finish of his thinking, cause there was a knock on the door.

"Renji?"

Renji looked up and was surprised to see Rukia standing in the doorway. She had a distant look on her face. It was like she was miles away, and still she stood there right in front of him. Anyone could see that.

"Rukia…"

She slowly walked toward him.

"I… Ichigo told me the truth about what happened. About that night."

"What he said was bullshit!"

Rukia shrugged back.

"Wha…?"

"I heard every word. I ran after you, to talk to you. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I got as far as the corner down the hall, and there I hid. And I heard every word he said to you. Every word."

"But he said that…"

"It's right! I said 'no'. I tried to walk away. But in the end I stayed. I decided to stay."

Renji broke off. _"I… wanted to stay…" _He looked at Rukia. Waited for a response.

"But he said that you were wasted and that he…"

"I wasn't wasted enough not to walk away if I had really wanted to. I decided to stay cause I wanted to. I don't know why I wanted it, but I did. And then afterwards I had planned on never telling you the truth. So don't come here and say that you forgive me. Because I don't deserve that. I will never deserve that. I don't think I'll even be able to forgive myself."

She looked at him and tears began falling down her cheeks.

"Do you love him Renji?"

Renji met her eyes.

"What! Are you crazy?"

"Renji… do you?"

"No! I don't love… I… Fuck!"

Renji looked away and more curses came over his lips.

"I don't even know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Everything's just a big fuckin' mess in my head."

Rukia sighed. Then there was a long silence, as if she was preparing to say something that she didn't know quite how to say. Then she took a deep breath and sighed again.

"After he came and talked to me, I thought about all this and… I came up with one conclusion: It's better this way."

"What!"  
"Its better that he told me know. Before I fell even deeper in love with him. Though he could have told me sooner. But better late than never, right?"

"You really hit the bottom…"

"Although he didn't really have to tell me. I already knew."

Renji looked at Rukia, shocked.

"WHAT? You knew what!"

"Well, I guessed, to tell you the truth. I saw the way he looked at you. The way he acted toward you. I thought I could change him. Make him love me. Now I know that I was wrong and that it was stupid to even think that I could change him. His love for you is way too strong. I've been fooling myself all this time."

Renji stared at her. _"She must have lost her mind in all this."_

"I still love him, Renji. And that's why I'm telling you this. I want to see him happy. That's all that matters. So please tell me that you love him."

"But I… I…"

"Please Renji. Please love him. I know now that I can never make him as happy as you can make him. That's why: please love him."

"Rukia… you can't expect me to grow feelings just like that."

"Don't you feel anything for him?"

"I… I don't know…"

"You said that you stayed because you wanted to. There must be something there."

Renji pressed his hands against his head.

"I don't know. I don't know, everything just such a mess. I can't even make out one thing in my head."

"Renji…"

Rukia put her arms around Renji. At first Renji shrugged back. _"I don't deserve this." _But then Rukia tightened the embrace.

"Renji… I don't know if I can really forgive you for this. I mean, even if I knew that it might have happen, you still betrayed my trust. But I… I still want you as my friend."

The tears that Renji thought had been all gone came back. With Rukia's arms around him and his face buried in her slender shoulders, he cried.

"I don't… why…"

"Renji… don't go and do anything stupid. Please. I still want you as my friend. And I need a friend who's alive."

"Rukia…"

"But we need some time apart. Some time to think about all this. I will go away and I guess you'll go back to soul-society. The next time we'll meet, maybe you know how you feel. Maybe I'll be able to truly forgive you."

She squeezed him one last time and then let go.

"Rukia… I don't deserve this…"

"Schh. No one can control love. Its to strong for that. All we can do is answer the door once it knocks or wait for it to go away. If we're unsure of what we should do, then we can wait a while. True love waits for you. But it doesn't wait forever. Don't leave the door unanswered too long, Renji."

She smiled weakly and then walked out of the room.

"_Rukia…"_

He looked at the closed door for a while. Then he turned to look out the window. Leaves were sailing down in the wind. Summer was turning into autumn. It was still warm, but the trees were red and yellow. Renji sighed. It was beautiful, but he didn't deserve such beauty. _"Go back to soul-society, huh? Rukia… Will I ever see you again?"

* * *

_

End of chapter Three


	4. Thoughts of you

**Disclaimer:** Wouldn't it be cool to be the 'author' of Bleach? Yeah, well I'm not. Kubo Tite is. And he has done a wonderful piece of art. :) I only borrowed his characters and came up with a little story of my own.

**Note:** I'm really, really, really, really sorry for the extremely long delay. I can make up hundreds of excuses, but I believe in honesty: I just haven't had the strength or will to write. Chapter 4 has been on paper for long, but the step to putting it into the computer has been a hard one. And it even turned out longer on the computer then on the paper, so I decided to divide it into two chapters instead. Seriously, what turned to chapter four were only 2 pages in the draft. So you can say that it was a very rough draft. I know I said in the last chapter that this chapter would be the last, but in the end aren't you happy there's one more coming.

**Note 2:** I always wanted to write a story that included Hanatarou. He so cute! And I think I did very well on his and Renji's bonding conversation. I think it turned out quite cute and funny. Well, I shouldn't say more and spoil everything.

Chapter Four - Thoughts of you

* * *

After coming back to Soul Society, Renji had spent weeks just wandering around. All the thoughts had circled round and round, making it impossible to clear even one out. Every time he felt like he was coming to a conclusion, everything just broke apart in thousands of pieces and he had to start from the beginning again.

Right know he was walking around, unable to stop at one place because of the feeling of emptiness. Walking around was like trying to escape from the darkness that gathered when he stopped. But soon even that wouldn't help.

Everyone who saw him could see how the thoughts had dragged out all of his strength and left an almost empty body. His eyes were never focused and his thoughts always somewhere else. To tell him even the simplest thing could take several minutes longer than it should. Words had to be repeated over and over again.

Few knew the source of Renji's uneasiness. Those who knew kept away with mixed feelings of hate and compassion. Those who didn't know kept distance in fear or lack of understanding. Renji couldn't care less. He didn't want or need any false sympathy. He didn't need anyone hanging over his shoulder, talking about nothing. He was relieved that no one seemed to even bother to speak to him. Though he knew that they were talking about him behind his back. How could they not? Had there ever been such juicy gossip before in Soul Society?

But even though he was relieved that he was left to his thoughts, he hated it. For every day that went by, he could feel as dark clouds grew around him, and how the world seemed to shrink and dissolve around him. Everywhere he went, someone would look at him with hate or disgust. They would whisper or plainly ignore him. And coldest of them all was Byakuya. Though Renji didn't blame him. Byakuya was probably, apart from Rukia, the one whose pride was mostly hurt. Byakuya had never really been fond of the wedding between Rukia and Ichigo, but he wasn't exactly pleased about the disgraceful ending of it. But Renji couldn't really change the past, even if he wanted too.

That and more had been on his mind the last couple of weeks. Though the thing that seemed to dwell most on his mind was the last words of advice Rukia had left him with. With eyes red from crying and tears still falling down, she had told him to love Ichigo. And of that he had of course thought of. Loving Ichigo. Was that possible?

Renji sighed and strangely enough, he stopped to overlook the scenery. As if ordered the thoughts clogged up in his mind, and craved for attention. He started walking again, seeing how that seemed to be the only way to escape.

He could easily remember that fatal night which had changed everything. No matter how much time went by, it still felt like it just had happened yesterday. _"Why do you love me? What do you see in me?"_

Trough all this time he had gotten absolutely no work down and it was piling up on his desk. But there was no way he could get anything done in the state he was now. Unable to sit still, unable to concentrate. Until his thoughts and feelings were sorted out, he wouldn't get anything done. It wasn't even worth trying to. He sighed and wished that he would be able to put all these thoughts behind him. But he just had to realize that there was no way escaping. The images from that day would burn in the back of his head forever. Rukia's smile as she looked at Ichigo by the altar. The expression of betrayal in Rukia's eyes looking at him, as she was standing there in her wedding dress. The words she had spoken to Renji in anger. The tears she cried as she told him to love Ichigo. Ichigo's smile just the moment before he had kissed Renji. Ichigo's tears as Renji had thrown away Ichigo's love like trash. _"I'm the worst. I'm trash. No, worse. Mould on trash." _He felt ill. He wanted to go back. Change everything. Tell Ichigo… _"Tell you what? I… think I… but… Rukia…"_

"A-abarai-san…"

Renji turned to were the voice came from.

"Hanatarou," he exclaimed surprised as he saw the nervous member of the 4th squad.

"I-I… well… I…"

Renji watched as Hanatarou stood in front of him, trying to find the words to say. Then he looked around to find that others were looking at them, waiting for what was coming. Renji sighed and turned back to Hanatarou.

"You really shouldn't speak to me. You should just do what everyone else does. Or you too will be caught up in this and no one will speak to you."

Hanatarou took a deep breath.

"I-it's alright. I-I'm not that… I mean, no one speaks to me anyway. Well, no one did before Ichigo-san."

And there it was again. His name. The name that was on everyone's lips nowadays, and on Renji's mind every single minute.

"I-it's just him, and Rukia-san and Ganju-san… It's only them that speak to me… "

The young man went silent. Renji smiled weakly. _"Poor guy. How can one as small and frail as he, withstand this kind of treatment?"_

"I just wanted… wanted to ask how… if you're alright. I now… I can understand what you're going through. I've been… It's like this for me everyday…"

For the second time Renji was surprised by this frail young man. _"Why is he…? Why does he care about me? How can he still be able after what he goes through every day?"_

"I… don't know… why do you… ask?"

Hanatarou blushed.

"Because you… y-you're a… friend of Ichigo-san and Rukia-san… and they are the first ones to be nice to me and I just don't want them or any of their friends to be sad, or… anything like that…"

Renji closed his eyes and sighed.

"You were at the wedding. I don't deserve to be called their friend. Especially not Rukia's. Why don't you despise me as everyone else? It's really not that hard. I even despise myself. I know very well what I've done, and I'm not exactly proud of it, but it still doesn't change the fact that it was wrong, stupid and… Just hate me. It's easier that way."

The nervous shinigami looked down to the ground, as if the meaning of the words in some way had hurt him.

"I… cannot do that… Rukia-san… she doesn't…"

Renji cursed.

"Don't you ever think for yourself?"

Hanatarou shrugged back at the sudden attack.

"Why do you always put others before yourself?"

"I-I…"

"Speak up! I can't hear you!"

Renji watched as the face of the man before him changed. It was like every feeling that ever was tried to find a place in one expression. The silence that had followed after Renji's burst out was deafening. It was broken by a suffocated sob from Hanatarou. _"Shit!"_ Then suddenly Hanatarou's face decided on a feeling. Anger. Hanatarou's small hands clenched as to emphasize the anger even further.

"Well, sorry for worrying about a friend! Or at least what I thought was a friend!"

Renji shrugged back in surprise.

"But I-I won't… hate you! You to have been nice to me, and I thought of you as a friend! And Rukia-san talked to me and told me and I think I can understand and… I do not think you're a bad person and I…"

The words faded into nothing and the sobbing took over. Renji cursed and looked away. _"Shit! Shit! Shit!"_ He turned back to Hanatarou, who amazingly still was standing on the same spot.

"Eh… I… Sorry about that. I didn't mean to yell at you or anything I just…"

Hanatarou wiped of the tears with the sleeves on his shinigami outfit.

"It's not you that I'm angry at. It's everyone else here, who haven't even got the guts to stand for what they think. Just whispering in the shadows."

Renji looked around him and confirmed his belief that everyone was looking at the, pointed and whispered. He sighed.

"No. The one I'm really angry at is myself. Sorry for letting it out on you."

He turned and smiled to Hanatarou.

"Did you mean it? I mean, do you really mean it? Even know?"

Hanatarou looked up at Renji.

"What do you mean, Abarai-san?"

"You think of me as a friend? Even after all this?"

Again a faint blush spread over Hanatarou's cheeks and he bowed down his head, trying to hide the blush.

"I-I do. Rukia forgave you, and so can I."

Renji sighed.

"Again, you're not really thinking for yourself. If she hadn't forgiven me, would you?"

Hanatarou looked up again.

"You can't deal in 'could-have-been-situations'. What happened, that happened. And in the end we're talking about some strong forces."

Renji looked at the smaller man with surprise. Then he started laughing.

"You sound just like Rukia."

The blush on Hanatarou's cheeks grew deeper in colour. Renji sighed out of relief. For the first time in weeks he felt at peace.

"Thanks Hana-san. Talking to you made me a lot calmer. I think I finally can get to the bottom of all these feelings and thoughts."

Hanatarou just stayed silent, with the deep-red blush still in his face. He opened his mouth and closed it, then opened it again only to close it once more. It was like he wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words. Then he straightened his back, cleared his throat and Renji saw something new growing in the young man's posture.

"You're welcome, Abarai-san."

Renji laughed.

"By all means, say Renji."

Hanatarou blinked his eyes a few times.

"Renji-san," he said softly, nervously tasting the words.

Renji laughed again.

"Guess that'll have to do."

He patted Hanatarou on the head, just as he always done with Rukia. He came to realize that this entire conversation had almost been like talking to Rukia. With some differences. Rukia would never be able to understand his loneliness in the same way as Hanatarou did. Because she had never been through it.

"Oh. I-I almost forgot. Kuchiki-taichou is looking for you."

Renji froze in the part of a second. _"Why?"_

"He said that you should report in as soon as possible. I should have said it earlier. I'm really sorry. I forgot. I…"

Renji shook his head slightly, still somewhat stunned.

"It's okay. Thanks. I'll go now. See ya!"

Renji turned around fast and hurried back to the sixth division. Now standing alone, Hanatarou looked at Renji quickly hurrying back. He had just passed by the sixth division, when Kuchiki-taichou had asked him to get the message to Renji. Hanatarou had accepted, giving him a chance to talk to Renji. But the look on Kuchiki-taichou's face had been frightening.

* * *

Renji stooped just outside of Byakuya's office and tried to force his heart to calm down, but with no success. He took a deep breath and opened the door. He walked in and kneeled down on one knee in front of Byakuya.

"Kuchiki-taichou."

Byakuya looked down at Renji, but stayed silent.

"Yamada-kun said that you…"

"Abarai-kun."

Renji felt his whole body go stiff and how cold shivers went down his spine. The atmosphere was extremely tense, and Renji felt how his hands were getting sweaty even though he felt like it was well below zero degrees. The seconds waiting for Byakuya's next word felt like hours. Renji felt how he started to tremble slightly and he cursed in his head. _"Please, please stop."_ He tried to get control over the trembling, but it was impossible. And the longer Byakuya stayed silent, the more intense the trembling seemed. _"Please, just speak. Just…"_

"I talked to Rukia before she left."

Byakuya paused.

"She asked me to forgive you. She said that she had already done that."

Another pause. Renji felt like running away, but he couldn't even move a muscle.

"She told me her side of the story. What you had told her. What… Kurosaki-kun had told her. Then she asked me to forgive you."

Byakuya turned his back to Renji.

"I have been thinking about this for quite a while now."

Byakuya stopped for another pause and Renji felt tears building up. _"No. No. I will not cry. I will not."_

"I think even you can understand that forgiving you is impossible. But…"

"_What? Just get to the point… Why are you dragging… please just get to the…" _Renji felt how the built up tears threatened to come out.

"But I will follow my sister's wish to the length of sending you to the human world, so that you can talk with…"

Byakuya went silent again. Renji sharpened his ears even further and nervously glanced at Byakuya. Byakuya was still standing with his back against Renji, but on his tense shoulders Renji could see that it was really hard for Byakuya to speak these words since he really didn't want to. _"If he could he would probably try to keep me as far away from Ichigo as possible. But why is he doing…"_

Byakuya suddenly turned.

"Don't get the feeling that I like you or forgive you or anything. I'm doing this cause she told me to. And that's all. Just so you know, I'll never forgive you. What you did was… What the two of you did…"

Renji saw the anger glimmer by in Byakuya's eyes. He was also trembling, trying to hold the anger back. Trying not to lose his temper. Then he took a deep breath.

"You're dismissed."

Renji stood up, his whole body shaking from the strain. He bowed and hurried as fast as he could, without running, out of the room. Well outside and several steps away he dared breathing again. He felt the tears running down and he cursed.

He didn't feel like he just had been granted the opportunity to go to the human world. It felt more like he had been ordered to. He didn't even know if he wanted to go. Wasn't that the same as admitting that he had feelings for Ichigo? And that he didn't, right?

* * *

End of chapter four

I'll try to have the last chapter up as soon as possible, but I won't make any promises.


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